ohgosh. hi tumblr. youre gonna be my makeshift therapist, because i really need one.
so i guess i’ll fill you in about my days, but anyone reading this, im warning you, this post is gonna be longer than my last venting one, so be warned.
oh where do i even start? i know i have a lot to say, but at the same time, i feel like some of it is old news that i didnt get a chance to say earlier in the week, so it doesnt matter anymore, and if i bring it up again, i might be upset.
well, one reason that i was kinda pissed is that i got in trouble with that conduct meeting. i wont go into details; basically my name is on file with the SJA (student judicial affairs) and if i do something else bad again, i could be kicked out of this school. i hate how serious and scary this is because its not like im a bad kid. ask anyone; i barely get in trouble. now im in college, and one small thing and im in hella trouble. yeah, its a life-or-death scare type of serious thing, but its way over and i didnt get hurt. and i understand my responsibilities and you dont even understand how much i regret not getting out of bed just to check. this whole ordeal has lost me hours of sleep and its not even a big deal. i know, theyre just diong their job, following protocol, but still. im pissed off.
next topic of venting. in general, i just wish people supported me sometimes, instead of defending the opposite side. like, just help me out here. im just telling you what bothers me, what scares me. i’d rather you just nod along and say mhmm instead of telling me what i should do, how i shouldve behaved, how im wrong. yes, i know im wrong. but i need you to back me up, just because youre a friend. i know that yes, youre realistic and rational, i get it. but just for once, let me just talk and you listen. i dont know what else to say without naming names and getting personal. i like keeping things general.
alright. next one. so today i just now got my math midterm back, and ohboy did i fail. and yeah, every says ‘oh i hella failed that’ and then they get at least a C, they literally pass. i literally didnt pass. i was so disappointed and then mad and then frustrated. but again, i know its all my fault. i blame no one but myself. so basically, out of the four midterms i took this month, i got an A, two Cs, and a D. how lousy is that. im pissed at myself. but i know its my own consequence for not studying enough, not taking things very seriously. of course i know for next time that i need to forreal concentrate and focus on studying. im just mad at myself. im frustrated also that this is my second time taking precalculus (i already took it junior year, and decided to enjoy senior year without taking a math class. boy do i regret that.), and i having a harder time than i did in high school. how is that possible? like really now, this class should be a breeze for me, but it totally isnt.
yes, some of you reading this will tell me that my life is not that bad, that i need to stop complaining, stop being so pessimistic, but i dont care. this is how i live my life, full of regrets, full of frustrations and disappointments. i dont care. judge me all you want, just dont tell me about or else i’ll just get pissed off again. college is harder than i thought. i hate that just as i thought i was getting the hang of it, i was totally proved wrong. college is kicking my butt. and im not even taking hard classes. again, i really dont blame anyone but myself.
in other news, i feel guilty too. yeah, you thought this rant was over, but sadly, i still have more to say. i feel guilty about all sorts of things. about talking behind nice people’s backs, about judging people before i know them, about ruining surprises, about enjoying my free time to watch hulu, and then finding my consequences later (the endless hours of hw). i feel guilty being mad at people who are just trying to show me that im wrong, and their heart is in the right place. i feel guilty for getting annoyed when i should just appreciate what i have. i mean, honestly, in the two months ive been in college, ive experienced so many personal changes, growths, emotional roller coasters. and its only been six weeks. its tiring, but again, i feel guilty complaining about all this when i should feel fortunate to even be able to talk, to walk, to have my own laptop to blog on tumblr. im just sorry for everyone reading this and finding out how truly selfish of a person i am.
i guess the bottom line is that im sad. not depressed. just sad. people tell you youre lucky to be able to go to school. i dont feel lucky. im having such a hard time, i wanna give up. life is hard, i know. dont need to lecture me on that. im gonna stop typing now because i dont wanna start crying in the library. that’d be embarrassing, and melissa lew is vulnerable and weak, but she does not cry in front of people.
i hope everyone else’s weeks were good! sorry if this depressed you or made you feel bad in anyone. that was not my intention at all. im just pouring my feelings out to the world wide web. if you read this all, thanks for being patient with me.
so today i slept in pretty late for the first time since summer. pretty crazy. i woke up at like 11:30 and was like ohsnapsticks! and then i ate brunch with yeebelle at like 12:30. then we went to her place and just chilled, updated on life, and made a funny video. then she took a shower and i went back to my place to take a shower because we both felt gross. then i she came over at like 5:30 and we talked some more. pretty chill. then we realized it was past 7 and the stupid dining commons (dc) was closed bc its a weekend and closes earlier, so we were like dang, what should we do. then we walked to the old teahouse, this chinese food place. got some take out. its pretty good. they give you a lot of food for like $6. and then we came back to my place, watched modern family and outsourced while eating, got full, and then saved the rest for another day. then cool kids named richie, frankie, and tuan came over. we talked and laughed for like an hour. and then they left. me and belle talked more. then she left.
i know that sounds like a boring day, but it was so much fun. i honestly have been doing hw and studying everyday, and then most weekends i go home, so this is only my second weekend here. sad, i know. or rather, its kinda lame. but ohwell. i love going home, but staying here is fun too. its finally a chance to relax.
the guys went to the movies and saw jackass 3D. they had a good time, and im glad they had so much fun. today was such a nice day, despite the gloomy rain. i didnt get any hw done, but thats what tmrw’s for.
i hope everyone had a good day! :) don’t get attacked by the rain!
so i was thinking about who i can vent to and you came to mind. ive already ranted to my suitemates, and i still feel like i need to vent some more.
so today was nice because its finally friday. its been a loooong week. i had a midterm today. i wasnt really ready, but whatever. its done, i finished. its over with. same with that paper that i had to write for ANS. its crap, but crap is something, and something is always better than nothing.
anyways, so i was really excited that its finally friday and i can go to gymnastics tonight! so yeah, i was pretty juiced, but now im pissed off and annoyed.
so there was a fire alarm the other night. it was here in our building. some moron decided that it was a good idea to cook bacon at 1 o’clock in the morning, and pulled an idiot move by setting the fire alarms off. so great whatever. meanwhile, i was knocked out. forreal. i was in such a deep sleep, and im already a deep sleeper, that my roommate and i didnt even hear the fire alarm. i know that sounds crazy, but we really did sleep through it. so then, my roommate woke me up and was like “melissa, do you hear that?” and i was like “no”. so we looked outside, and saw three firetrucks and was like wtf is going on. we heard the fire alarm going crazy, but it was super faint, not loud and obnoxious like it was during our stupid drills. so we assumed it was coming from another building in our area. of course, it was coming from ours. but we didnt know! and we even slept through our suitemates banging on our door to wake us up and get us the eff out of the building. so then we were like whatever, and we just went back to sleep because the trucks were leaving, so we assumed it was over, and by the time we got down and out of our building, people would be coming back anyways, so we thought it was pointless and went back to sleep. we ignored our suitemates knocking on our door after they came back and just fell asleep. remember, at this time, it was hella dark out, so we didnt even see people outside. just the trucks.
so anyways, me being me, i kinda freaked out when i heard that our RA was looking for us. i assumed he was gonna scold us, but then he came around yesterday and stopped by. i said hi and told him that it was me and my roommate that didnt come down for the fire alarm because we didnt even hear it. he just says “oh ok. well you shouldve come. you know for next time, there arent anymore drills.” and then we joked around at how stupid someone was for burning their bacon.
ok, so by now i assumed it was finally over and i could relax. plus, i couldnt afford to stress over it. i had a paper to write and a midterm on friday (today). but something in my gut was telling me that there was more. i felt suspicious that we missed a fire alarm, which they take very seriously, and just got away with a warning.
so today, my roommate texts me at 12ish and then calls me right away. obviously, its something. she asked me if i knew anything about the conduct meeting. THEN, i started worrying again, eventho i told her not to. you only have to go to a conduct meeting if you get in trouble and get written up. then i was like fuck! dammit, i knew we’d get in trouble. (sorry for the extra cussing. im in a bad mood and my suities cuss a lot.) so i got the email when i came back from classes and i thought as a suite we had to schedule a meeting with the conduct coordinator. but no, again i was wrong. we have to schedule individual meetings. so i called the stupid number, and im being hella messed up, i know, but the stupid guy had the strongest indian accent, i had no idea wtf he was saying. and i had to spell my name for him. took forever. so i scheduled my appt, but now im just pissed off.
im worried and not worried at the same time. like on the one hand, im hella scared. how much trouble am i gonna get in to? what are my consequences? on the other hand, what the hell could they do to us? like the fire alarm happenend, its over with. nothing i can do to change that now. i know now that we shouldve gone out there. but we’re safe, we’re fine. i for one have definitely learned my lesson. so what could they possibly do to us?! im freaking out because since i have to go by myself, i feel like im more vulnerable. and another thing that kinda bothers me is that the suitie ive gotten closest to, she like pointed us out when she saw us peeking out the window, and like started laughing. so our RAs saw us too, and so did apparently two firemen, and the rest of everyone out there. grrrrr.
im sure anyone who actually read through this whole thing thinks that im overreacting and that i should calm down. but this is who i am. im pissed off because im scared. welp, other than that. TGIF! i know how my wednesday afternoon is gonna be ruined! yep, thats when i have my stupid meeting. FML.
this totally ruined me happiness that today is friday and that the week is finally over. i gotta say, college. so far, im not lovin it….
guys, im supposed to be writing a term paper on salmonella for animal science. its due friday. we had since the beginning of this quarter to do it. our professor makes it out to be super easy, no stress. i think its been awhile since he’s written a term paper as a brand new college freshman because i am stressing out!
well, thats partially because stupid classes give too much hw, so i keep putting this paper off. and i have a math midterm on friday. how do i balance studying and writing a 5-page paper in two days, when i also gotsta go to class still? and its not like we can just google ‘salmonella’ and just write what we find based on wiki or anything. he said it has to be peer-reviewed articles. he gave us some helpful search sites to get started. and also, im getting frustrated with endnote. i have to install it, but its not working because its a big giant poo.
college is definitely a balancing act, a challenge. im sure i’ll get used to this eventually, get the hang of things. but for now, im struggling. sighhhh.
p.s. sorry if ive been flooding your dashboard with random like disney pictures and stuff. when im bored and procrastinating, i go on tumblr and reblog cute things :)
What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love,…
1st Midterm of the 1st Quarter of My College Experience
so today was my first midterm. it was for ans 001 (animal science). i think i did just ok… i mean, i hope i passed, but i didn’t study and pay attention enough to the class lecture, and i studied the lab manual and the lecture outline handouts too much. darn. but at least now i know for the next one.
so one down, three to go…. i wish we could just skip over midterms, go to my birthday weekend, skip classes some more, hit thanksgiving weekend, then ram right into winter break (skipping finals too, of course). that’d be nice :)